if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
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My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?