Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
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Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
How funny!
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
(Jupiter –
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA