Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
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every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”