mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
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i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
When a shoelace touches your ankle
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”