♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
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Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.