If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Me :
All Day At Night
Can’t, holding a grudge
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.