Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
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this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Why is everyone getting married at me
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call