Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
You Might Also Like
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale