mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
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*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache