You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
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I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Cake safety first. Always.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Home #decor warning.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.