Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
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we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
why no one uses midhusbands
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.