Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40