saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
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We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are