*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
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I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear