How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
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Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
the official breakfast of 2021
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.