This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
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Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it