Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
That’s it.I’m out.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too