my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
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dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?