My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
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Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.