I need a chiropractor for my brain.
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ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.