I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
You Might Also Like
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
But is it really??
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
❤️❤️❤️