She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
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I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!