Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year