(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.