[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
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Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit