Truth
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Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.