9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
You Might Also Like
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?