If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
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What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?