“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
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“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
PARKOUR
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?