I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
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in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
excuse me
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again