You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
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If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”