Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
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If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
This a good idea