one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
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Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?