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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works