[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
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Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.