Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
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A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Art by Pastelkatto
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.