Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
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Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
🤣😂🤣
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.