Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
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Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Not😆🤣
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no