I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
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If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Hamburger Hinderer.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally