ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
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like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
#CoronaOutbreak
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.