*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
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Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
OH. COME. ON.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo