i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Investing in beetcoin
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.