You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
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Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Well, that should do it
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14