“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.