Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?