When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
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Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
The Book. The Movie.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I’m already scared
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs