Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
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Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Customize Your Wedding.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay