Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
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Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”