My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
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Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.