Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
incredible
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes